How I taught a teen to regularly keep his supervisor briefed
Introverts feel awesome when homeschooling, but kids of that kind are also most prone to self-isolation. Enjoying the quiet world of theirs, they feel constant temptation to shun even the necessary minimum of socializing – for instance, to report about work done or even to get support. Communicating to people comes with risk of tension and conflicts, acutely painful for introvertial kids. They avoid it by all means and this is a downward spiral because a lack of practice is making them ever worse communicators.
That's my son Archie. Choosing not the most efficient but the most individual approaches. Browsing in the Web instead of asking mom. Twisting away from regular reporting on progress. Insulting me with pessimistic remarks “no sense in all of that” or going hysterical when I apply parent's authority to force him into reporting. He doesn't do this on purpose, just acts on the subconscious getaway program.
All the while, he was always understanding being wrong, blamed himself and yet couldn't cope with it. Guilt was fueling the need to hide from the parents' reproachful stare (I'm not sure if the reproach was only a fruit of his imagination or not).
One morning before classes started, I invited the son to comfortably sit and talk. I told about large companies: how managers start each day with a meeting, reporting about progress in their departments. Without those meetings, the company wouldn't be able to act as an entity, to reach for one goal - which can be, for instance, an annual sales plan. The managers discuss what they need from each other. Interaction between marketing, manufacturing and sales departments helps to synchronize advertising activities with production schedule and pricing policy. He smiled at me saying, “Just think of the guys from the finance auditing the sellers or the caretaker changing the flooring in the show room amid the hot season of sales.” The company director leads those meetings to keep the managers focused on one goal and rules out on the common resources.
Artyom listened with interest. Now look, I said. As a supervisor, I want to know what my pupil had done in the previous day to reach his goal - I mean, the future exams. My own schedule and the whole family's day depends on your plans because I need to account for the time needed to help with your homework. Both we will benefit if we can negotiate about our common business.
My son is a Capricorn man. To be happy, he needs life to be scheduled and the rules to be clear. It makes him feel life is easy. So I offered him solid rules: he begins his presentation by telling what had been done yesterday and the assignments ready to be checked, then there go plans for the current day and what he needs from his supervisor. He marks the end of his report with “That's it” is a sign that the supervisor can now ask questions, give suggestions or feedback.
He looked astonished. I wonder if it was because he had felt from the first moment how much the idea could simplify life, structure it, free him from guilt. He didn't even scold which is not his typical. We had uptaken the system overnight, without resistance whatsoever.
Actually, we had to do some fine-tuning later on. In one instance, the adults such as teachers and relatives used to encourage the kid with endless remarks such as “go on”, “excellent” or “well, and?” Gradually, he had got into a habit of frequently pausing to wait for the adult's reaction.
At first briefings, it vexed me immensely so I had to dive into myself and face my emotions - and that made me realise the nature of the habit. I shared this discovery with the son and suggested that I would listen quietly until his “That's it“.
“Please don't wait for me to nod and say ‘uh-huh’, just go on,” I asked.
One day, he amused me by saying a vague “so” instead of “that's it” which sounded uncomfortably affirmative. It took two days to make him understand that “so“ cannot mark the end of the speech. People use it to fill pauses and win time to think of their next sentence: “So, I...” You should be more concrete, I said, even if it's hard at first. Do say “that's it” or “I've finished”.
After all, it turned out to be good.
He doesn't delay submitting his assignments for checking anymore. There is no fuel for guilt so his mood is better noticeably. With a little bit of daily communication face-to-face, initiating talks is ever easier. The boy also learns to report and to keep his supervisor briefed - I hope the latter will help to secure him from the similar mistake that had been for years harming my own career. As long as the whole homeschooling environment is not abundant with opportunities of face-to-face communications, this is extremely useful for the students, especially introverts.
And I, his father, benefit too. From knowing what my student is currently working on and what his problems are. From having a great daily warm up for my brain that helps with my own work. Finally, it's just a quality time for the father and the son.
Raising a kid is like dancing. You get perfection fever, pleasure’s lost. Groove’s first, excellence second.
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