How My Kid Defeated The Fear of Fires

Archie was desperately afraid of fires. The fear petrified the son immediately at the idea of lighting a stove. All attempts to teach him how to cook came to a dead end at the gas stove.

Guess how his brutal father reacted? One of either two things: forcing the kid to try to overcome the fear or blaming for absence of courage. 

My hysteria was only to fuel the child’s resistance and fear. So, finally, I put it off for the better time to try again.

Motivation first

We suddenly faced the issue again at a lesson dedicated to self-learning methods. My son is a homeschooler so we his parents started teaching him about managing self-education as early as primary school.

That day, I offered the son to write down his goal and break his plan into feasible steps. 

“Let me see,” I asked when he finished. 

‘Cooking pasta’ in the Goal line while the first step was “not to fear fire”. I scrabbed my chin.

The son looked upset. How can I get through this first step, the little face showed. 

The same question echoed in my head. But I had to say something cheerful.

“That’s okay. Give me time until tomorrow’s morning, I’ll figure out how we can take on it.”

I was thinking hard. The passion for pasta is a force opposite to the fear of fires so it can be our weapon. But the fear is stronger, that’s sure, so I need a lever to amplify the passion.

What is my lever?

Passion is a force opposite to fears, and it can be a weapon. But to defeat the fear, passion needs an amplifier.

“You don’t have to stop being afraid of fires,” 

I told Archie the next day.

His eyes wide opened in astonishment.

“You can safely light a fire and feel some fear,” I explained. “It just doesn’t have to be linked. There’s a big fear – and a small fear. The big one is bad because it immobilizes you. The small one is good – it makes you careful.”

“You walk carefully along icy roads in winter, as carefully climb a tree or cross a railway. Yet, you do not avoid winter or trees or railways, do you?”

The kid looked as if he had just discovered a new law of nature. And he wasn’t anymore upset about the forthcoming fire-lighting class. He was curious to experience what the ‘small fear’ was like.

A big fear is bad because it immobilizes you. A small fear is good – it makes you careful.

Headless matches

It was clear that a verbal intervention wouldn’t solve problems – just give some relief. My further plan was based on a simple wisdom: any impossible task can be divided into feasible steps.

Any impossible task can be divided into feasible steps.

So I assigned the son to an easy job: light ten matches without sulfur heads using a candle’s harmless little flame, and then shake the fire out. He enjoyed doing that27.

A more challenging task followed. I lighted a stove, adjusted the flame to the low and handed the son another ten headless matches.

… step aside 

Lighting a match using a medium flame was next in the list of exercises. But watching the son lighting matches, I noticed that he had issues extinguishing the match by a shake of a hand because his wrist stiffened with fear. 

So I decided to dedicate some time to the extinguishing skill. I took the kid by the hand and waved it to give the feel of how it should be done. 

“Now do it yourself,” I said. “Wave like a conductor!”

It helped and now we could get back to the stove. After he had exercised with a medium flame, I casted a glance on the clock. Forty minutes. “Oh, the lesson’s over. And may I say, you’ve done awesome well! Now take some rest, we’ll proceed tomorrow.”

By now, we both were feeling inspired. Archie was like a chatterbox and obviously had courage to see what’s going to happen tomorrow. 

The stove

Our old stove is tough. It doesn’t have an igniter while the knobs are so stiff they challenge the power of your fingers. And it’s got the old-fashioned ‘off-low-high’ design instead of the modern ‘off-ignite-high-low’.

“Well kid, your next opponent is this,” I said the next day, pointing at the knob. 

Again and again, I set the burner on fire and my ten-year-old switched it off when trying to adjust the flame, gradually losing temper, angry at his weak fingers.

“Have patience, it won’t be long,” I said to cheer him. “It shows that your hand is more confident with each attempt so you’ll get the handle of this soon.”

That lifted Archie’s spirits and he went on. Luckily, victory was round the next two tries. At that moment, I handed him a marker and a sheet of paper: “Well done. Draw a star for each time you succeed.”

Fixing progress wonderfully motivates kids. He’s soon got ten red stars and looked upbeat. 

He wanted to try to light the burner but I was feeling that more preparation was needed. So I assigned Archie to lighting a burner using a match lighted from another burner. It revealed that, as the boy was still afraid of fires, he tended to set the second burner on Low and it didn’t work with our old stove.

“You don’t make it any safer by using a low flame instead of a large one. On the contrary, it becomes less safe!”

My explanation didn’t help.

“Okay, let’s put off the matches for a while,” I said. “Now switch the burner on.” 

He did. 

“Adjust the knob so you can hear the hissing sound. It means that the gas is coming out.”

“What, switch on without a flame?” he cried. 

“Yes, without a flame,” I answered with a smile, amused by his horror.

“But this is so dangerous!”

“Don’t be upset. We’re going to be so-o-o careful not to cause any hazard. Look, I open the window to let gas out immediately. And we can stop it if we sniff any hint of gas.”

It soothened the child. He learned how to know if the burner was on the proper regime and, after that, succeeded with the burner-to-burner exercise. 

Light a match

What we simply call light a match is really this: you squeeze a small and fragile stick firmly enough to prevent it from falling off your fingers while not too hard so it wouldn’t break. Then you strike, keeping just the right angle and speed. When the match starts, the fingers make fast tap-tap-tap move to change the hold from somewhat-middle of the match to its end, to save them from burning.

You probably do it in a slightly different way but anyway, it’s the skill that seems so easy only because we have done it thousands of times. 

Not every child has concerns with this skill but my son did. So I had him through these simple tasks: take the match properly, fingerplay with the match, right hold of the matchbox, strike and so on.

What we simply call light a match is really a complicated skill for a child.

Set the burner on fire with a match

It was thought to be the last step but my intuition was promising just another issue to occur. After the boy light a match, he’d hesitate what to do with the matchbox in his left hand, forgetting to look after the burning match. 

So I gave him one more exercise: stand before the stove, think ahead where to put the matchbox, find the right knob and grip it while keeping the burning match in a horizontal position with the right hand.

After that, he could set the burner on fire from the very first attempt.

Phew! Another ten repeats, another ten stars.

The son was full of joy and self-pride. Yet, I told him that the brain would forget the training by the next morning so two more days of polishing the skill were needed to gain confidence. 

It didn’t cool him down.

As a trainer, I was anxious if it would be boring and was extremely glad that it wasn’t – to either of us, right from the start until the end. It was a game, we enjoyed every moment. While the kid was fighting with his dragon of fear, I exercised in tackling the unexpected issues – a riveting game indeed.

And, by the way, is two forty-minute classes too long to defeat an old fear? It’s three years since that lesson, Archie has since been cooking his beloved pasta himself. 

Step by step list of exercises

I’d like to warn parents against following the list down to a T. Your kid’s unique so the key idea is to focus on his or her specific concerns. It might require creating other exercises.

An important remark: think ahead what to do if the kid droppes a burning match and take away any textile or paper that could set on fire.

• Find a motivation to undertake the fearful training
• Tell about ‘small fears’ and ‘big fears’
• Light matches without sulfur heads using candle flame
• Extinguish matches
• Light matches without sulfur heads using stove’s burner 
• Low flame
• Medium flame
• Use a knob
• Switch from ‘Off’ to ‘Ignite’ or ‘Low’, no flame. Listen to gas hissing.
• Switch from ‘Ignite’ to ‘Low’ or ‘Medium’ with flame.
• Light a match
• Take the match properly
• Fingerplay with the matchbox and the match
• Hold a matchbox properly
• Strike properly
• Set the burner on fire with a match